Midnight Pundit

Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and I finger them while you sleep.

Settled Science

The “ideal” breast shape is merely a social construct, man. All that research has conclusively proven is that 17 to 19-year-old breasts are the optimal breasts.

The Magic Word

You can sell a hillbilly just about anything provided you can convince him it’s the TACTICAL version of that thing.

Final Transmission

I hate to text while driving, but someone needs to hear about the wicked hot roadhead I’m giving these dudes.

Sport Clips

If men could get pregnant, having frequent, casual abortions would be a Ten Commandment.

Washbored

Sorry ladies, there’s nothing grosser than your sculpted, rock-hard dude abs.

Marriage Counseling

You’ve just been cuckold by Tommy Pukesweat, the homunculus stinkboy. You notice your wife now wants to hold hands and tell you how much she appreciates you as a person.

The Indispensable Man

Sometimes it’s nice to just go home after a long day of work and not have sex with your wife, mistress, sidepiece, secret wife or secret wife’s husband’s sister’s wife.

Party Disfavors

Enjoy this rare and beautiful fern for the temp-controlled arboretum we’re assuming you have.

One Way Out

For those of you looking for a warm place to commit suicide and don’t want anything to change your mind, Kohl’s is now open 24-hours.

Slut Party VII

“My firm, teen breasts are getting almost too big,” said my screenplay.

Big Heart

The most sympathetically reviewed force in the galaxy is undersized white guy hustle.

Game Changer!

It’s only a matter of time before rappers discover “facial” rhymes with “palatial,” and then all bets are off.

Cup Runneth Over

The guy was so clean, his pee test came back as a bible verse.

Open Concept

One day soon, Americans will glance up from their artisan, farm-to-table mustard blogs and find themselves making uncomfortable eye contact with their wives and kids. “Should have put some walls in this motherfucker,” they’ll mutter before returning their attention to pursuits more mustard-related.

Lil Homie Copsucker Returns

Face down in the dirt in a five-dude dudestack
Then I cook ’em all breakfast at my post-stack dudeshack

In Plain Sight

Remember kids, no one will suspect you of being drunk if you lay down a baseline of atrocious sober behavior.